holding hands

My son is almost two.  It is starting to become hard to remember life before him even though we were married 6 years before he entered our world.

We used to come home from work, eat dinner and watch our favorite shows while multitasking on our laptops and phones. We had so much free time – we did not even know it.  Our house was clean and free of clutter. If we liked something we bought it because we had not yet experienced the pain of the weekly check to daycare. 

Oliver has added a new twist. He’s taught us things, whether we wanted to know or not. We mastered going to work on two hours of sleep.  We learned the tricks to nursing, avoiding leaky diapers, staying sane during the food throwing stage and getting him to nap.

I have found that each stage brings a different challenge. Some just were tugs on my heartstrings as mentioned in no…no…no…DADA and some are blatant reminders of the things I physically can’t do. 

One night after work this week the weather was perfect. The leaves were floating down from the trees filling our street with brilliance and the air held the crisp intoxicating taste of fall.  If that wasn’t enough, it was still warm enough to play outside and enjoy the magic.

Oliver started walking down the sidewalk and grabbed my husband’s hand to join him. He then held out his hand to me, looked at me with his big blue eyes and said momma?…he was inviting me to join the walk. 

I can’t walk, hold on to my crutch and hold his hand.  Before my husband, I was the type who would see a Sandals’ commercial and wanted to be the hot girl walking on the beach at dusk, you know holding the hand of a dreamy guy. Well, this moment blew that type of fantasy away.

I would have given anything to hold the hand of the sweetest boy on earth and walk around the block. 

I felt bad because he’s too young to understand and I would never want him to think that mommy doesn’t want to walk and hold his little hand.   I understand that it’s small potatoes in the grand scheme of life, but at that moment it made me really sad.